Never Underestimate the Power of the Weather –
Imposter Syndrome and the MBCT Masters Course
I have a lot to be thankful for. In particular, I am
eternally grateful to the infamous ‘Beast from the East’ – a wave of cold
weather that brought widespread unusually low temperatures and heavy snowfall
to many parts of the UK and across Europe in February and March 2018.
On the day of my interview for the MSt in Mindfulness Based Cognitive
Therapy (MBCT), the temperature had dropped to −14 °C (7 °F) in the Cairngorms
in Scotland, and a mere -5°C in Oxford. Trains from my local station in Suffolk
had ground to a halt, so I faced a car journey across country on a day when all
advice from media and friends was to do very much the contrary.
On the positive side, my white-knuckled drive diverted my
attention away from the rising grip of ‘imposter syndrome’, and focused it instead
on simply staying alive while driving on black ice on A and B roads across the
Home Counties.
When I arrived at Kellogg College 4 hours later, I walked
into the interview room with more of an air of heart-melting gratitude and
relief than anxiety. I was alive and nothing else in that moment mattered!
The interview experience itself is a little blurred in my
memory. The interview panel were warm and welcoming, and seemed almost
surprised to see me at all. I also
remember laughing hysterically once or twice - further evidence of the sheer relief
and disbelief that I was there at all, and not lying in a ditch somewhere
outside Brackley.
Yet that interview experience could have been so different. Indeed,
I came very close to not applying for the Masters at all, dismissing the
initial idea pretty swiftly as folly. I simply wasn’t experienced/clever/beatifically
mindful enough to be considered even for interview. I wasn’t a clinician or
psychotherapist. While I had worked with people teetering on the edge of mental
illness, this had been in the context of schools and other youth-focused organisations
(Mindfulness in
Schools Project), and I certainly struggled to distinguish IAPT (the Improving
Access to Psychological Therapies programme) from ACT (Acceptance and
Commitment Therapy).
I didn’t realise it then, but I had become a spectacular
case study for my own learning on the Masters course: my processing was very much
‘discrepancy-based’; my ‘Default Mode Network’ was working overtime; I was
living, breathing evidence that the human brain is ‘fertile ground for a
harvest of suffering’ (Hanson, 2009).
With an overwhelming sense on ‘not being good enough’, I
apologetically snuck into the teaching room on that first day of the first
teaching block in the first year of the MSt in MBCT. Once seated, the first
thing I noticed was the geographical reach of the group. We originated from
Australia, Singapore, Hong Kong, Turkey, Poland, Germany, Spain... and Suffolk.
More striking still was the breadth of interest and experience. We had lawyers,
doctors, clinical psychologists, charity workers, counsellors, executives for
high end brands that shall remain nameless, retired airline pilots, teachers -
all with the shared intention of becoming part of a community of practitioners in
MBCT, helping to reduce suffering, promote resilience and realise human
potential through mindfulness.
Since then, we have become a happy band of idealists, riding
the waves of 4,000 word essays, intensive retreats, and communicating via
WhatsApp between teaching blocks from the 4 corners of the globe, all with a
reassuringly similar range of very human questions or concerns.
I recognise that we are still in the final ‘honeymoon period’
of Year 1. Year 2 is likely to be a slightly different ballgame – more intensive,
more teaching and assessment-focused, and much larger word counts all round! However,
when I reflect back on that freezing day in March 2018, I have no regrets. My
inner critic still occasionally reminds me that I may be an ‘imposter’ in the
midst of clinically experienced and blindingly brilliant minds, but I now just
listen and silently say, ‘thank you for the information’.
At the risk of sounding romantic, this past year for me has
been very much a process of thawing and warming - of heart, mind and body. I
feel very humble to be part of the Masters course, to receive such wisdom from
a profoundly skilful teaching team, and to learn as much again from the group
of intrepid fellow students.
Never underestimate the power of the weather!
Reference:
Hanson, R. (2009). Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love
and Wisdom. Oakland, CA, USA: New Harbinger.
Claire graduated from Cambridge University in Social and Political Science. Soon afterwards, she embarked on a career in education, teaching Psychology, Politics, and Philosophy to A level for over 25 years, 20 of which were at Senior Management level.
Having begun training in mindfulness to help support her through the physical and mental toll her 75 hour weeks were taking on her, Claire quickly recognised the benefits in terms of both mental and physical health, self-efficacy and mental space for creativity, planning and decision-making.
More importantly, it gave her a sense of actually ‘showing up’ for and appreciating life, rather than floating through it on autopilot. In 2012, Claire joined the UK charity Mindfulness in Schools Project (MiSP) as their Director of Curricula and Training. As part of her role she creates classroom content, and trains teachers to deliver mindfulness-based programmes in school settings for 7-18 year-olds. She has also worked with MYRIAD research team, overseeing the .b teacher training programmes on behalf of MiSP as part of the research.
She has taught mindfulness in a range of settings, including traditional primary and secondary schools, the Guildhall School of Music and Drama in London, pupil referral units (short-stay schools), medical schools, the NHS, Multi-Academy Trusts, to educational and clinical psychologists, in universities (University College London, Kings College London) , and on public courses.